Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
