My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
