I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
