Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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