I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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