the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
