i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
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I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.