You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Drake has all the answers
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration