I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...