I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
You dont lie about slip and slides
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.