i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
