i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
