Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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