He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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