Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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