Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
