I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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