I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
