They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
