I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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