I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
