Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
