So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
