Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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