drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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