Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
