i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
