Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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