Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
