I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
