guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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