I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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