The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
