Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
