Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
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My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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