we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
