Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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