"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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