I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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