I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
