Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
