Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
