Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
