how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
