i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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