oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
