Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So much Jack, so little girl.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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