I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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