Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
