You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
