Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
