Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
