and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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