the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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