Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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