so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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