Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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