She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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